2x02 - Royal Pain
♪ Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda! ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-bom doo boom-boom! ♪
♪ Raised in a noodle shop ♪
♪ never seeking glory or fame ♪
♪ he climbed the mountain top ♪
♪ and earned the Dragon Warrior name. ♪
♪ Hu! Ah! Ya! ♪
♪ Kung Fu Panda! ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo- sho-bom, doom-doom-doom! ♪
♪ Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom ♪
♪ and master the skills of bodacious and awesome ♪
♪ Kung Fu Panda. ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doom-doom-doom-doom! ♪
♪ He lives, he trains ♪
♪ and he fights with the Furious Five ♪
♪ protect the valley somethin' somethin' ♪
♪ somethin' somethin' alive ♪
♪ Oh! Ah! Uh! ♪
♪ Kung Fu Panda ♪
♪ Legends of awesomeness. ♪
Sweet!
[asian music]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~
You children are China's future.
You must work hard to attain perfection.
You must be solemn, focused, grim, resolute.
Uh, in other words, kids,
welcome to the Jade Palace Kung Fu camp!
[all cheer] Of!
Hiya!
All: [kung fu noises]
- Ya. - Huh.
Oof!
This year's camp session is going well, Zeng.
It's good for children to have strong, mature role models.
Ha! Then catchphrase.
All: Shaka-booey!
And then, of course, there's Po.
[screams] Master Shifu, look!
Oh, that's the insignia of the royal family.
Greetings, Master Shifu.
I am Meng Tao, the Emperor's personal emissary.
We are honored, your eminence. How may we serve you?
I have a royal student for you, the Emperor's own grandson.
You've come to the right place.
Our counselors are the finest Kung Fu masters in China.
May I present Master Tigress.
- She will personally... - Theme song!
♪ Every Kung Fu fighter needs a theme song ♪
♪ can't battle foes without a theme song ♪
♪ so I highly recommend you get a theme song ♪
♪ yadda nanna dadda dadda theme song! ♪
Oh, sorry, Master Shifu. Just moving on to the advanced stuff.
They've already mastered catchphrases.
- Shaka-booey! - Ka blamo!
Hey there!
[chuckles] They make me so proud.
[sighs]
I must apologize for the Dragon Warrior, your eminence.
He's new to camp counseling.
Then I should warn you, my royal charge has proven... difficult.
No problem. Kids love me.
Bring the little fellow on.
I love to see the hero worship in their tiny little eyes.
May I present his Royal Highness, the imperial grandson, Lu Kang.
[excited gasp]
[grunts and struggles]
Hi, everyone, I'm Lu. It's delightful to meet you, I must say.
I'm in line for the throne.
And I seem to have gotten my hand stuck in a pickle jar.
Excuse me for a second.
[grunts]
His Majesty must soon take his place as a member of the imperial family.
But to do so, he must first master the royal skills of manhood.
I learned a bit of Kung Fu from my wet nurse.
She taught me this.
[angry gibberish]
Hey! Whoa!
[all scream]
I did it again, faithful emissary.
Grandpa's right, I'm a klutz, a klutz, a klutz.
Owie.
The Emperor has given Lu Kang one month
to master the skills of manhood.
One month?! But that's not nearly enough time.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, faithful emissary. I don't blame them for not wanting me.
I'll be in my litter, flush with humiliation and self-loathing.
But I exit with dignity.
[grunts]
[screams] [wood splinters]
We can totally train him.
He's just a clueless, insecure dweeb.
I used to be the same way and look at me now.
[chuckles] Oh, sorry, uh...
them pickles smelled good.
Uh, what happens if he doesn't master his manhood skills?
He would shame his family and be banished to the Mongolian wastes.
Master Shifu, we can't let that happen.
We could take him on an informal trial basis, I suppose.
- Sounds awesome, I'll do it! - Excellent.
Your Majesty, the Dragon Warrior himself has agreed to train you.
You mean ... someone believes in me? Yay!
Whoa!
Here, new friend. Let me help you with that.
Don't worry, Master Shifu. I'll have Lu Kang trained in no time.
[yelps]
- Huh!
[metallic ricochet noises]
[chuckles]
Guys, this is his imperial highness, Lu Kang.
And we're gonna help him master the royal skills of manhood.
Hi, everyone, nice to meet you. Please call me Lu.
All: Hi, Lu.
We're gonna start with a really simple skill.
- Just give me five knuckle push-ups. - I will need a moment to prepare.
[breathes rhythmically]
I am ready.
[grunts]
Feel the burn!
Feel the...
...ground.
- I threw up in my mouth a little. - Okay, moving on.
Aah!
[clumsy yelling]
[gasps] Ooh!
[yelps]
Agh!
[grunts]
[wood shatters]
[grunts]
[screams]
Let's take a break.
[happy humming]
- Oh, nice counseling, Po. - He couldn't master a single skill.
- Okay, so he may be a little raw. - Po, this is hopeless.
You can't train Lu Kang. You don't have the maturity.
You take that back or I'll hold my breath!
[inhales deeply]
This isn't going to work. Lu Kang will not be training
with the Jade Palace. It's just too risky.
- Good day, my friends. - Ah, your eminence.
Master Po has something to say to you.
[struggling] [exhales deeply]
Right. Uh, thing is, Lu Kang's not really, uh...
Faithful emissary, faithful emissary!
I had the best day. Po's the greatest counselor ever.
Yeah, Lu, the thing is I, uh...
I almost did a whole pushup. Watch!
[struggling noises]
I feel so empowered. [pants]
- So what did you want to tell me? - That Lu's making great progress.
- What?! - Yep, he's a... natural.
I know I can train him, so I swear by the Emperor's throne
that Lu will totally master all the skills of manhood.
Yay!
Po, do you realize what you've done?
The penalty for breaking a vow to the Emperor's throne is...
What? [scoffs] A strongly-worded letter?
No, all of you will be beheaded.
[all gasp]
Oh.
♪ La la la la la la la ♪
Uh, what's going on?
Okay, Lu, from now on, it looks like Master Shifu
will personally supervise your training.
Is it because you rashly made a sacred vow
that put you and your friends' lives in danger if I fail my training?
What? [scoffs] No.
- Yes. - Anyone can learn Kung Fu
if their teacher trains them to concentrate,
to focus their mind on only the present.
Only by achieving inner peace
can a true Kung Fu master unfold...
- Uh-huh. - Like a lotus flower.
Oh, I like flowers. What does this do?
Wait, Lu, don't!
[metallic clanking] [assorted groans]
[heavy thuds and yelps]
Perhaps we should take a break.
Get it off me. [grunts]
[screams]
I'm sorry, Po, I'm really trying.
I want my family to be proud of me.
Lu, look, you're a little klutzy because you get nervous.
- You just need more confidence. - But how do I get confidence?
You face your fear, whether it's intimacy,
or a deadly villain, or an all-powerful dragon
who spits fire and doom.
- Villains, dragons, intimacy? - Lu! Lu, stop!
I'm panicking, I'm panicking. [muffled cries]
Lu, don't do this. Please come out.
Forget it, I'm hopeless.
We'd need a miracle for me to succeed.
Lu, I think I found our miracle.
This is the artifact room.
It's where we keep our most powerful magic relics.
I love magic relics. Show me one, show me one!
Okay, but you should probably shield your eyes.
[gasps]
Your mind may not be prepared for the awesome glory that is
the sacred bean pod of Kensu!
Ooh!
Hark now unto my amazing tale
of wonder and, uh.... amazement.
Every great Kung Fu master has had a mystic vegetable
which gave him his might.
Master Moo had the gourd of Hunan,
Master Oink, the carrot of Cheng Du,
Master Quack, the radish of Guangzhou.
But the most powerful veggie of all
was Master Ox's bean pod of Kensu!
With the force of this one veggie,
Master Ox drove all evil from China.
This is that same bean pod.
No way!
Take it! And let its beany power course through you.
[whimpers]
Hey, I don't feel anything.
Oh, uh, that's because... I forgot
the secret word of empowerment!
Sha-zambo!
I feel it. I feel the power.
Then drop and give me a knuckle pushup, Lu.
Right now!
[knuckles crack]
[grunts]
[triumphant laugh]
You did it! You did it, Lu!
No, I didn't.
The sacred bean pod of Kensu did it for me.
Huzzah!
[whimpers]
[screams]
[content sigh]
Yah!
- Yah! - All: Whoa!
[yelps]
[clumsy Kung Fu noises]
[nervous laugh]
[whimpers]
All: [nervous gasps]
Yah!
Yeah!
[all cheer]
Good job.
What do you think, Shifu? All he needed was a little confidence.
Well done, your Majesty. I'm very impressed.
'Tis nothing, noble master,
for I have been imbued with the power of the gods.
Huzzah!
Ha, Lu's mastered nearly every single skill.
Incredible. I...
I must tell the Emperor the good news.
Come, friend Po. Join me in a lusty song.
Okay!
♪ Lusty song, sung by warriors ♪
♪ warriors singing a lusty song ♪
[both laugh]
Hmm, we all might just keep our heads after all.
[door creaks shut]
Hundun, it appears you have a visitor.
- What do you want? - Leave us.
- Who are you? - A friend who needs your help.
I'm having a little problem with the Jade Palace.
Keep talking.
The Emperor's grandson has been training there.
I want you to make sure that he fails that training...
permanently.
I see. And what can I hope to gain in it for me?
Your freedom.
Hmm, and what can I hope to gain in it for you?
My freedom.
[pants]
Oh. [pants]
Lu?
[pants]
Lu, welcome to the birthplace of Kung Fu.
[gasps]
I did it, I did it.
I did it, I did it, I did it.
- Uh, Lu. - I did, did, did, did it.
- I did it, I did it... - Lu!
You've done great, Lu,
but, uh, you need to understand something before I...
- Is it about my magic bean pod? - Yeah...
- It can make me invisible, can't it? - No.
Look, Lu, there's something I have to tell you. Huh?
[roars]
Lu, look out!
[grunts]
[yells]
Oof!
[cackles]
[kung fu noises]
[growls]
O... kay. [screams]
Ugh.
[both grunting]
[screams]
Finally, Dragon Warrior, you will be vanquished by me,
the one who will finally defeat you,
vanquishedly, by me!
[grunts and groans]
[gasps]
Hang on, Po. I'll save you.
To me, bright weapon!
Release him, villain,
or face the fury of Lu the Unchallengeable!
- Lu, get away!
Bah! His power is nothing compared to mine.
Huzzah!
[splash]
[battle cry]
Careful, guys.
Ow!
- Stop! - This ends now, villain.
You cannot win because I possess a mystic item of awesome potency.
- Oh, boy. - And I have that weapon right...
Uh... here... um...
My mystic bean pod, it's gone!
Without ititits beany power, I'm helpless.
- Looking for this? - Faithful emissary!
Thank goodness. Quick, give it to me!
Oops.
Nooo!
[laughs] You sad little failure.
With you out of the way, the Emperor will beg me
to rule in your place.
[gasps] You treacherous treason-y guy!
- Leave him alone! - Quiet you, with silence!
[screams]
Lu, use the skills I taught you.
I can't. He crushed my magic bean pod.
- I'm helpless. - Oof!
Lu, there was never any magic. I lied.
What?
You did everything yourself 'cause you had confidence.
That's where you really got your power.
It's true. Confidence is very important.
Ugh!
You won't fight me. You're a loser.
You always have been and you always will be.
A reject like you could never be worthy of the royal family.
[waning growl]
[whimpers]
- I am a loser. - No! Wha... Oof!
- Ha! I thought so. - A loser whose steel bites deep!
[battle cry]
- Yeah! - Huh?
[kung fu noises]
Oof!
[growls]
[groans]
[kung fu gibberish]
[triumphant laugh]
Agh!
[annoyed growl]
[yelps]
[screams]
Whoa!
- Huh? - Huzzah!
[grunts]
[laughs] Pathetic!
Aah!
[nervous scream]
[groans]
- Lu, you did it. - I did, didn't I?
I may be a klutz, but I'm an awesome klutz.
And I think you're ready to assume your
rightful position in the royal family.
- Po? - Yes, your Majesty?
Little help with this pickle jar?
[gong rings]
Today, you have come of age.
What name do you take for yourself?
I shall be called Xi'an Po,
which means "He who was meek,
but then overcame his insecurities with a magic bean pod
and then eventually learned to stand up for himself."
[applause]
With this cup, I welcome you into your birthright.
Well done, Po.
- You were an excellent counselor. - Thank you.
Thank you very much. [sizzling noise]
Hot, hot!
- Still a klutz though. - No argument here.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~